stuck

I should be relieved that I have less than two months left of school.  However, I’m incredibly anxious.  This is because I don’t have a job lined up, no one in my class does…. Apparently the economic crisis has crept in and affected even the Nursing shortage.  People have lost their jobs, thus their insurance, so less people are going to hospitals, which translates to hospitals in the midst of a hiring freeze.  That’s not my only concern, I have something else that is gnawing in my belly….

I feel like I’ve been running in place with someone’s hand pushed up against my forehead.  Their hand is big and strong and my head is sweating.  I’m running and trying to push past this thing that is holding me in place.  I’m exhausted, I’ve almost lost the will to keep going.  I’m scared because my enthusiasm has dwindled.  Nursing school sucks the life out of you.  While I’m surrounded by some wonderful people I’m also surrounded by complainers and very negative people.  I’ve been knocked down so many times by my clinical instructors that I feel unsure that I’m even washing my hands correctly anymore.  When I started school I was fresh out of a hardcore Wilderness EMT course.  I was fired up.  I was sure of myself.  I felt there were limitless possibilities.  I’ve been repressed in this sucky school system forced to take classes like math (not math that I’d use) and technical communications!  They just want my money. more more more…. I have none left and by the looks of it, no means to gain any in the near future.  I don’t even care about the money thing so much right now.  I care about my passion and where it has gone to…  I know it’s in there, in here, as I feel my heart thumping in my chest.  I’m ready to explode, I need the next thing.  Something to look forward to and plan for.  I want a job that I’m thrilled about.  I swear to god if I have to work in long term care I’ll…. I’ll what? I don’t know because I won’t work there.  That would be like studying to be a gourmet chef and end up flipping burgers at McDonalds.  

So, I’ve been scouring the internet. Goddammit I can find what I want in this vast invisible world.  Google, search, link, google some more, pulling at strings here…. I’ve applied to some awesome new nurse graduate programs in Austin, Texas and L.A.  Who knows? But I won’t settle on waiting around here for some crap job.  I’ll move, again and again, I’ll relocate in order to dive in somewhere worthy.

I’ve hit the wall. I seriously don’t give a f*** about school anymore.  I’m getting just fine grades, but I’m certainly not putting my all into it anymore.  I’ve just got to get through.  It’s a joke.