November 30, 2008

I feel like I got hit by a truck.  Every single inch of me aches or is in pain.  I’ve caught a nasty cold and I’m coming off of a 4 day bender.  The friggin Holidays will kill you I swear.

It feels funny to be alone right now.  Tuesday night I slept over at the apartment of this new guy that I’m dating, Wednesday night I passed out shitfaced drunk at my best friends apartment in Walpole, Thursday was spent at my mom’s, Friday and Saturday one of my best friends from Burlington stayed at my place.  Whew.

A lot has gone on in a week and I can’t recap it right now.  My head hurts and I have piles of schoolwork that I just can’t manage to do at the moment.  I wrote the following on Thanksgiving Day:

I’m thankful for the this Thanksgiving Day breakfast beer.  For waking up with my single dysfunctional friends (again).  For friends with keys to restaurants.  For my mom cooking food and telling me stories from the 70’s.  For every perfectly functioning organ in my body.  For divorce.  I’m thankful for everything right now.  For feelings of nervousness and hope.  



November 22, 2008

It’s one of those rare days where time is irrelevant.  Still in my robe and slippers as the sun is dropping slowly in the sky.  Last night I shared a satisfying meal with a person that I am slightly enamored with.  I fell asleep in a warm bed laughing.

Finally, I have that feeling of excitement in my belly again.

good day

November 21, 2008

Today is a very good day.  I walked home this morning with a huge grin on my face.  We’re going out to dinner tonight, but I’m trying not to have any expectations.  I brought my friend to a Dr.’s appointment and ended up getting to watch a surgery!  Let’s see what tonight brings…


November 18, 2008

Two days in a row, I’m on a roll.

I woke up this morning in a panic.  I was dreaming heavily and my blankets were all on the floor.  In my dream someone was having a baby, my brother was having a heart attack and I was put in charge of cooking a horrendous dinner.  Terror, unsatisfaction and urgency were the predominant themes of this dream or well, I’d call it a nightmare.  I vividly remember pulling bran muffins out of the oven; they weren’t cooked all the way but were covered in bright yellow frosting.  

I’ve been thinking, muffins with frosting sound like a fabulous idea.  

Any young Freudians or dream interpreters out there want to analyze this?

ring ring…. ring ring….

November 17, 2008

Son of a bitch, I think I drove off with my cell phone on top of my car.  After a day of a clinical rotation at Cheshire Medical Center, my classmate T and I were chatting away driving home from the hospital, and I think I have a faint recollection of a funny noise sounding as if something fell onto the pavement.  In fact, the more I think about it, I’m pretty damn sure that I heard my cellphone smash onto the road.  I don’t know why, but this is driving me crazy.  I don’t even want to call anyone.  I think it’s the thought that someone could be calling me and I can’t answer, which is funny because I’d say 75% of the time I don’t answer the phone anyway.  I’m trying to be all zen about it and pretend it’s for a reason, that I don’t need a phone.  But I do and I’ll have to buy another one because I didn’t get the fucking insurance because I never ever have lost or damaged a phone before.

It’s 4:30 and it’s nearly dark.  I should turn on some lights.  Today was cold, not too cold, but it had that feeling of no return.  That it’s not going to be warm again for months and months.  I really really need to do some schoolwork but I can’t stop procrastinating.  Motivation where are you?

cheap piece of clothing

November 13, 2008

There is quite the difference writing in retrospect rather than in the moment.  Reflective rather than desperate.  There are some things I don’t want to share with everyone in detail, thus the vagueness.  The ambiguity is intentional.  I don’t think I could have gotten through this time without a hefty supply of benzodiazapenes and friends that brought me dinner and gave me chocolate.

These past few weeks have resembled a piece of cheap clothing;  ugly and stitched together in a hurry, worn thin and ready to fall apart at any moment.  No protection was offered against the elements.  Thread bare and exposed, held together by fear, sadness and self preservation.

Somehow I’ve crossed the hurdle and I feel stronger.

sick and tired

November 7, 2008

There is nothing I hate more than someone telling me that I look tired or that I don’t look well.  I know when I look tired, I feel it (deep into my weary bones and through baggy dark eyes) and I don’t think it needs to be pointed out.  Yeah, I feel like shit, and mentioning it is only going to bring attention to it and make me feel worse. So shut the fuck up and leave me alone.

Too early this morning I was slouching down in my chair, sucking up lukewarm coffee and eating doughnuts.  The white powder falling all over my ratty old hoodie while I half-heartedly listed to my professor babble on.  My feeling was aloof.

I am so sick of listening to people complain. About their grades about their spouses, their kids, their pets and everything else!  I’m sick of them thinking that I have it made because I have none of that.  Sure, I get good grades because I fucking work at it.  I don’t have my own family and I made that sacrifice because I knew that best way for me to get through school was alone.  That doesn’t come without it’s own hardships however.  Don’t bitch to me because your spouse wants more attention or that you have to pick your kids up from school.  Being single I have freedom, yes.  But I’m also alone, very fucking alone sometimes.  I think you take for granted that someone cooks you dinner, that you have someone to eat dinner with.  You have someone to snuggle up at night with, to say goodnight and good morning to.  I can pace through an entire day without even saying a single word out loud.  I bet when you have a car full of stuff to bring inside you have someone to help you, or at least hold the door open.  I climb three flights of stairs alone, hands full, keys in my mouth and while I try to unlock the door I always drop something.  You also get to miss out on the game of dating.  Where last week I went on what seemed like a great date to me, I thought we really hit it off, but apparently I’m delusional because I haven’t heard back from him other than a “Happy Halloween” text.  I give up (for now).

I’m unemotional and detached which is a rare feeling for me but it’s all I can do.  I’m going to sleep a lot and go through the motions until something or someone jolts me out of this void.