double diamond

I dreamt that I was skiing down a mountain.  No, more accurately I was plunging headfirst down a steep and icy slope.  It was a nightmare.  A beautifully white snowy world, but terrifying and somewhat familiar.  I had no control and the forces against me were strong.  My feet were not just getting wet, they were soaking wet.  And cold, cold feet.  

I walked home tonight wearing sunglasses in the dark. My hands are covered in paint and I’m trilled by the randomness of Brattleboro.  The scene was: a funky apartment above a sub-par sushi joint.  The place disheveled because of a recent break-up.  The cast:  too unbelievable to write about.  But we are all strong and broken and hurt, yet still smiling, and still hopeful.  That’s why we’ve banded together on a Tuesday afternoon to play music real loud and paint and laugh.  

My horoscope said this “You must expect sudden and even radical upheavals in your affective life: love at first sight, sentimental tornado, possibility of a drastic change”.  Okay, bring it…

Feb.09

I’m almost sad that February is over. The dreaded month here in the northeast is always a good excuse. An excuse to be crazy, depressed, lonely. Blame it on February, on the cold, on the dark. Relieved is another feeling I have. Because sometimes it honestly doesn’t feel like we’ll survive it. Each year I take drastic measures for those 28 days, operating on pure primal instincts; usually I hide. One year it was in the bathroom with a bottle of scotch and the radio playing Tom Waits was teetered on the edge of the tub. I was daring it to fall in, egging it on. This time was a blur… although late nights filled with dark whispered half-truths come to mind. I was urging myself to disconnect. Keeping disappointment at arms length. 

I’ve gotten closer to people lately. Realizing how much I need my best friends that I’ve know forever. Discovering how amazing it is to meet new people. To become woven in with the human race is a powerful thing. To know people that will allow you to squirt ketchup all over their bathroom then sit, drunk in the bathtub while eating tator tots on a Thursday evening is a beautiful thing.

When I left the small rural hospital today where I had clinical in the E.R., the sun was out. I really should have been home studying but I HAD to be outside. I pretty much ran to the top of the nearest mountain. After an hour, sweaty, my heart pounding I lay on the rock at the top. Just long enough to feel my back turn cold. Then I scurried down the mountain. I felt so goddamn good. I think March is going to be a pivotal month, it needs to be. Then after I got back in town I donated blood. It seemed appropriate.

psycho men

It’s almost 1:00am and I keep checking to make sure the door is locked. Every time I hear steps in the hall I hold my breath. There was this guy that I had gone on two dates with. Everything was fine, but just fine, nothing spectacular and I won’t settle for anything less than spectacular. Plus there was something that didn’t feel quite right. Today I didn’t have the energy to tell him that I wasn’t interested. I was tired because I spent the night with my lover that keeps up late. My lips raw, my hair a matted mess, I got home this morning and went back to sleep. Eventually I arose and got dressed. I went out for a beer with one of my friends. This man I had just barely began seeing arrived in the bar. I saw him out of the corner of my eye and pretended like I didn’t see him. I just wanted an easy mellow evening, but I could feel his eyes on me. He had called me way too many times today, bordering on psychotic. So, I said bye to my friends and left. He followed me outside and yelled very loud “HEY” like I was his fucking dog or something. I stopped and said hello. He was very annoyed and rude to me. I kept walking, then sent him a text that said to leave me alone. Let’s hope he does.

early morning hurricane

I’d almost forgotten the pleasures of dancing alone in my apartment. Incredibly full of energy considering I got up at 4:30 this morning.  I’m impatiently waiting for my friend to come visit, armed with dinner from Sporty’s.  This warm(er) weather has broadened the smile on my face.  It feels so good that I’m afraid of what the real spring will do to me!  It’s always funny to come home after I had to get up early.  It looks like an actual fight took place. Coffee dripping down the cupboards, every single seed from my everything bagel scattered about, dirty knives, underpants and books all over the floor.  Last minute I decide I need to iron and my mini-ironing board is on my kitchen table.  It’s absolutely amazing that I can create such a mess in a half-asleep state in such a short amount of time.  Apparently manic Jen works in all states of consciousness.  Today was such a great day at clinical.  I actually felt like a real nurse.  Things are coming together between my mind and the hospital floor.  Random encounters and coincidences abound this week. This is the stuff I crave….

flowers

There were flowers left outside the door to my apartment today, but they weren’t from whom I wanted them to be from.

ice fishing

My body feels like it got hit by a truck. Actually, I took a major digger out of a sled being pulled by a snowmobile. No major injuries, just some bruises (and I love bruises). The nearly full moon hidden by clouds, we were flying across the frozen lake in darkness when all of a sudden I was air born then tumbling head over heels through the snow. I lied on the ground sprawled out laughing and screaming for the boys to turn around and get me. We traveled from shanty to shanty. I observed the different styles like an interior decorator might. Unfortunately our driver got nabbed by the cops and ended up with a DWI. We were stranded miles away from our shanty. Words were exchanged between the cops and the fishermen and myself. Eventually, we had to hike back to our shanty. Despite it being unseasonably warm for February, our feet were freezing because we had fallen through the ice a bit in an attempt to push the snowmobile out of the slush (before the arrest). I told the cops we were going to die if left to walk drunk and alone across the lake. He just shrugged his shoulders. Finally, some friends came zooming up behind us and motioned for us to climb on the machines. Rescued by a rugged man, I squeezed up close behind him to block the wind.

It was a beautiful night. Oh and by the way, we never caught any fish. But I don’t think that was the point.

fluorescent beeping

I have a new appreciation for fluorescent lights. Yes, we all still look horrid under them, but I like how they expose us.  For the past two days I’ve been wrapped in the rhythmic beeping of monitors and basked under bright fluorescent lights.  My brain stimulated from every angle.  Eyes darting about to catch something new, ears perked to the doctors conversations, on my toes, on my toes, on my toes.  I long for the time when I can work the 7p to 7a shift in the ED.   I would rather listen to the ambulance radio-in to base than to music.  I prefer to keep my hands busy with hooking up 12-lead ECGs and filling syringes.  I love to break glass ampules with my fingers.  I like how my hands get sweaty under the purple nitrate gloves and how they can breathe again when I pull them off.  

So much is secretive in life, so much is hidden.  In fact I’m hiding from you my recent love and sex adventures because what I have going on is quite great and I feel that if I write about it, I may jinx my carefully balanced situation.  In the ED you are exposed, not just the patients but the nurses and doctors and techs.  It’s so demanding and draining that just about every ounce of your being goes into it.  And that is why I need to work there.  Every pore exposed, every bodily orifice explored, blood and urine is analyzed, heart rhythms interpreted.  It’s all out there on the table (or on the floor).  Sometimes I wish the rest of life was so easy to decode.

duck! an X-Ray and a good smelling Doctor

Ah, here we go. Back to the world of not enough sleep. Of anxious nights anticipating what the next day of clinical will bring. Of that nervous I’m going to throw up but this is so amazing feeling. My eyes are heavy but my head is racing. I went for a walk to get a coffee and ran into a friend that bought me a beer. So there I sat, listening to a surprisingly good musician on stage at the Weathervane double fisting a tall PBR and a cup of coffee. I couldn’t stay though, I had to come home and plow through more of my text books. 

I spent yesterday in the O.R. and it felt almost like home with the sight of blood and the smell of burning flesh. While rock and roll played on the stereo, the anesthesiologist remembered that the Superbowl was on Sunday and made a call to place a last minute bet. When the Doctor came in, I was actually introduced to him, like I was a normal person, not a peon of a student. As he was about to say “nice to meet you” I told him that we already knew each other. He paused and stared at me. Unable to recognize me in the light blue OR scrubs, cap, gloves and mask. Apparently my eyes were not enough to reveal my identity, so he pulled my mask down off my face and smiled. “Oh hello! We used to take Tae Kwon Do together”. I noticed that his nails were slightly red, it looked like he had painted them and then tried removing the polish without nail polish remover. Hmm I wondered…  Earlier that day, I was with a patient in radiology. As she sat still for a very long time we took what seemed to be hundreds of X-Rays of her breast. Every time she was repositioned the Tech, the Doc (different one) and me ran and hid for our safety behind the screen while the machine spat out harmful rays. I squished up closer to the Doctor than I needed to because he was cute and smelled really good.

reconnected

I parked my car in the Coop parking lot this morning, grabbed a coffee and a bagel and hopped back in my car. Planning to drive back to the hotel and take a shower, change my clothes then go to class. However, when I turned the key, my car wouldn’t start.  Usually this problem generates a bit of anger, urgency and frustration. This morning, it didn’t. Maybe because I was sleep deprived, maybe because I’m just getting used to things ‘not working’, or that I’m finding the regularity of my recent bout of ‘bad luck’ comforting. I popped the hood, not because I know what’s going on with the engine, but because it’s a signal for help. Eventually, a nice man in a pick-up asked if I needed help. He tried jumping me, but to no avail. I drank my coffee, we chatted. Eventually I called AAA, and when they arrived, I climbed in and turned the key to show him the sound my car was making. Miraculously, it simply started up! 

I’ve felt more connected with the human race lately. When disastrous things happen, people either suffer alone or seek help in others. Ever since the huge fire in my apartment building, I’ve met and talked to more of my neighbors than I ever did when we all lived under the same roof. Now we sit under the chandelier in the hotel lobby and drink bad coffee together, I’ve been invited over for pork chops cooked on a hot plate in room 207, we say hello to each other in town rather than just walk by. This may be why when things ‘go wrong’ sometimes I secretly like it. Because it knocks us all down a notch or two and puts everyone on the same level. It gets us out of our heads and makes us focus on the immediate and the basic. So today when my car didn’t start, I took it as an opportunity to talk to a stranger, to switch up my plans.

Bad T.V. movies and take-out Chinese food

I feel oddly calm today. Sort of detached and fuzzy in a good way. At least a month’s worth of activity and emotion have been packed into this past week. Today is slow and easy. It’s so cold out, that it literally hurts to be outside, I’m very happy to be warm right now, with no urge to face the bitter cold again until maybe tomorrow. Swimming in the heated pool actually sounds like a fine thing to do this evening. Just got my social fix for the day; Spent a long time in the coffee shop sucking down caffeine and talking to people while trying to read about electrolytes and acid base balances, ate lunch at the pub and hung out with some friends. Tonight I’ll stay in and drink tea and read, maybe watch a movie. I spent last night watching bad T.V. movies and eating take-out Panda North with a certain fun someone. We make each other sleep deprived and that’s okay. I don’t know what to call us and I’ve decided that that isn’t important right now. I’ll just take it for what it is.