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I don’t think I feel like writing here anymore. I simply have too much to say and not enough time write at the moment. It’s that I’d like to have time to really construct my words, to be able to communicate the real feeling behind them. I’m unable to that now, here. I am writing on paper though. Things are good, so very good. Life feels real and I feel more involved than I ever have.

4 hours of sleep last night.

Have learned more in my couple of weeks at work than I did in all of nursing school.

A serendipitous meeting if you will, exchanging words treading water surrounded by palm trees.

It finally rained, a morning thunderstorm.

I did chest compressions on an infant until my thumbs hurt and shortly after the baby was pronounced dead. His skin was still warm. His mother collapsed onto the floor sobbing. Once again, I’m reminded to not take life or people for granted.

Kissing near strangers in the heat of a sweaty Texas night.

comfort in transition

I’m sitting on my couch in my half-dismantled living room.  The metal poking through the cheap cushions, my body propped up by pillows from my bed.  Finished watching King of California and it left me smiling.  

I’m eager when it comes to moving, I tend to start packing even before I find another place.  Looking around right now, I’m finding comfort in my wine crates packed with books, the empty walls- void of artwork, piles of clothes (to take, to give away, to sell).  I’m obsessively scanning the apartment, trying to visualize if everything I want to take will actually fit into my car.  What will make the cut?  What do I deem as so important it must travel a few thousand miles from Vermont to Texas, tightly packed in my Subaru hatchback….  

• My two beautiful, lush plants
• Funky lamp collection (all salvaged from the depths of basements and thrift stores)
• A huge backpack full of shoes!
• Books (Popular Mechanics Do-It-Yourself set from the 1950’s, novels, textbooks, poems, and a spanish dictionary)
• Only my favorite eating utensils, glasses, and brightly colored authentic Fiesta wear
• Clothes of course (but only the warm weather ones)
• …Still debating on bringing my trio of headless dolls
• A chandelier I found buried in the dirt on my brothers land (to be adorned with candles on my balcony)

Yup, that’s probably all that will fit.  There is something so incredibly therapeutic about sorting through and throwing away belongings.  There is something so incredibly hopeful about moving somewhere new.  And also a tinge of sadness leaving a place you love.  But that’s how all meaningful things are; polar feelings and beautiful endeavors….

ready, aim…..

Remember that bullet I wrote about a while back?

The shiny one in the chamber, locked and loaded, the safety off?  Well, the trigger has been pulled. That bullet is smoking, taking off at astonishing speeds.

I got offered a job just outside of Austin, Texas. It is my dream job, an internship in the E.D. of a level one trauma center.  An enormous hospital with a helicopter landing pad and 44 beds just in the E.D. alone!  I’m dreaming of gang fights, rodeo injuries and rattlesnake bites.

I was told this was nearly impossible to do.  To graduate as a new nurse and find a job in a decent E.D. right away.  I made it happen and I’m so goddamn happy about it!  Sure, I know it’ll be beyond stressful.  It will be as if I was thrown headfirst into a large body of water.  I will tread for some time.  I will come close to drowning, but I will be immersed in what really matters to me. I would rather struggle than daintily  dip my toe in the water from the safety of the shore.  It will take a long time, but I’ll be swimming some day.

The excitement of graduating, starting a new job, and moving to strange city have been consuming me.  I’m giddy with anticipation and I find it hard to sleep.  I’m ready to move again, I like the idea of going alone.  I’ve kicked this door wide open!

an offer?…

I’m waiting on a call today. A call that will change my course in life. It will either determine that I will stay in Vermont surrounded by familiar faces and people I love. That I will work a decent job (hopefully) and settle down and live with a man, be domestic and secure. Or…

It will send me far away to pursue my dream job. It will unearth my roots that have just started to dig in. It will challenge me on every level. I will be alone (at first). I will have to break some news.

suspended in air…

Whirlwind of a week. Haven’t had time to unpack my bags. Clothes, seashells, textbooks and plane ticket receipts strewn about my dirty apartment. I’ve decided that there is no need to clean because I just gave my landlord my notice. I’ll be moving out by the end of May. I have no place lined up, in fact I have no idea which town or city will be my next home. I’m hanging in limbo…. I’ve put so much time and energy into applying for jobs, into finishing school. I’ve given so much thought to all sorts of things. I’ve put all of this ‘out there’ so it has to return. It will return to me, in fact it has already started to.

Picture this, on a cold stormy day I threw bucketfuls of coins into the air. Against the wind, the sleet and gravity they moved upwards, out of sight. Once out of sight they remained suspended for some time. Suspended in air, perhaps until the conditions on earth were optimum, perhaps until all the other appropriate pieces were in place in my life. Now they’ve started to fall down, there’s no fighting gravity or fate, I suppose.

lucky pennies

A whole slew of random hair-brained ideas actually all came together today.  I’m reassured by it all.  My faith in the uncontrollable unfolding of life is reinstated.  I feel like a warm, smooth, glowing bullet filled with potential, a bullet that’s going to take off at astonishing speeds any moment now.  We won’t know when, there will be no warning, it’s going to happen fast…

I have this week off from school and I decided that I need to get away, far away.  And not just one place, not a simple there-and- back vacation.  I need an unplanned adventure.  So, I sort of had it in my head to go to Austin because there is an Open House at a hospital there… more thinking, more searching, I found a couple more hospitals that looked pretty dang good.  I’ve been filling out applications and writing essays, and cover letters and gathering my official transcripts and letters of recommendation.  I held off on buying a plane ticket until yesterday because I just felt like I should.  Then low and behold one of my best friends was either going to lose his job or have to relocate.  Relocate it is, to Florida.  Ah-ha!  I’ll hop in his truck and we’ll drive straight down the east coast until we hit warm, sunny beaches.  Perfect.  He’ll ditch me at the airport and I’ll fly into Austin.  Texas sounds so majestic to me lately and I’m curious as to why I’m being drawn there.  There is an invisible force at work now.  This afternoon I got a phone call from a hospital down south and we set up an interview in the E.R. with the director of nursing! woohoo! I fell in love when she said “That’s 1:00 hun, Texas time” in a cute little southern drawl.  

The man at the post office today gave me two shiny new pennies as change.  He said they were good luck and I believe him.

double diamond

I dreamt that I was skiing down a mountain.  No, more accurately I was plunging headfirst down a steep and icy slope.  It was a nightmare.  A beautifully white snowy world, but terrifying and somewhat familiar.  I had no control and the forces against me were strong.  My feet were not just getting wet, they were soaking wet.  And cold, cold feet.  

I walked home tonight wearing sunglasses in the dark. My hands are covered in paint and I’m trilled by the randomness of Brattleboro.  The scene was: a funky apartment above a sub-par sushi joint.  The place disheveled because of a recent break-up.  The cast:  too unbelievable to write about.  But we are all strong and broken and hurt, yet still smiling, and still hopeful.  That’s why we’ve banded together on a Tuesday afternoon to play music real loud and paint and laugh.  

My horoscope said this “You must expect sudden and even radical upheavals in your affective life: love at first sight, sentimental tornado, possibility of a drastic change”.  Okay, bring it…

Feb.09

I’m almost sad that February is over. The dreaded month here in the northeast is always a good excuse. An excuse to be crazy, depressed, lonely. Blame it on February, on the cold, on the dark. Relieved is another feeling I have. Because sometimes it honestly doesn’t feel like we’ll survive it. Each year I take drastic measures for those 28 days, operating on pure primal instincts; usually I hide. One year it was in the bathroom with a bottle of scotch and the radio playing Tom Waits was teetered on the edge of the tub. I was daring it to fall in, egging it on. This time was a blur… although late nights filled with dark whispered half-truths come to mind. I was urging myself to disconnect. Keeping disappointment at arms length. 

I’ve gotten closer to people lately. Realizing how much I need my best friends that I’ve know forever. Discovering how amazing it is to meet new people. To become woven in with the human race is a powerful thing. To know people that will allow you to squirt ketchup all over their bathroom then sit, drunk in the bathtub while eating tator tots on a Thursday evening is a beautiful thing.

When I left the small rural hospital today where I had clinical in the E.R., the sun was out. I really should have been home studying but I HAD to be outside. I pretty much ran to the top of the nearest mountain. After an hour, sweaty, my heart pounding I lay on the rock at the top. Just long enough to feel my back turn cold. Then I scurried down the mountain. I felt so goddamn good. I think March is going to be a pivotal month, it needs to be. Then after I got back in town I donated blood. It seemed appropriate.

psycho men

It’s almost 1:00am and I keep checking to make sure the door is locked. Every time I hear steps in the hall I hold my breath. There was this guy that I had gone on two dates with. Everything was fine, but just fine, nothing spectacular and I won’t settle for anything less than spectacular. Plus there was something that didn’t feel quite right. Today I didn’t have the energy to tell him that I wasn’t interested. I was tired because I spent the night with my lover that keeps up late. My lips raw, my hair a matted mess, I got home this morning and went back to sleep. Eventually I arose and got dressed. I went out for a beer with one of my friends. This man I had just barely began seeing arrived in the bar. I saw him out of the corner of my eye and pretended like I didn’t see him. I just wanted an easy mellow evening, but I could feel his eyes on me. He had called me way too many times today, bordering on psychotic. So, I said bye to my friends and left. He followed me outside and yelled very loud “HEY” like I was his fucking dog or something. I stopped and said hello. He was very annoyed and rude to me. I kept walking, then sent him a text that said to leave me alone. Let’s hope he does.

early morning hurricane

I’d almost forgotten the pleasures of dancing alone in my apartment. Incredibly full of energy considering I got up at 4:30 this morning.  I’m impatiently waiting for my friend to come visit, armed with dinner from Sporty’s.  This warm(er) weather has broadened the smile on my face.  It feels so good that I’m afraid of what the real spring will do to me!  It’s always funny to come home after I had to get up early.  It looks like an actual fight took place. Coffee dripping down the cupboards, every single seed from my everything bagel scattered about, dirty knives, underpants and books all over the floor.  Last minute I decide I need to iron and my mini-ironing board is on my kitchen table.  It’s absolutely amazing that I can create such a mess in a half-asleep state in such a short amount of time.  Apparently manic Jen works in all states of consciousness.  Today was such a great day at clinical.  I actually felt like a real nurse.  Things are coming together between my mind and the hospital floor.  Random encounters and coincidences abound this week. This is the stuff I crave….