sneaking into pools

Around 3:00 this morning a cop strolled into the backyard to respond to a noise complaint.  A crew of us had just been skinny dipping by moonlight and were drying off, grudgingly counting the few hours we had left before we had to go to work.  I had only gotten partly dressed, and stood in my cowboy boots, knee socks, a pink thong and t-shirt before the cop.  I wasn’t even drunk and couldn’t stop laughing at how hilarious the scene was. 

Before dancing to bad music at Sportys and doing cannonballs into the pool, I was in Burlington.  The trip north did me good.  I needed to hang out in what I call “Little Japan” with my old friends.  Nestled amongst tall grass and big weeds we sat on plastic lawn furniture drinking sake and listening to the grind of the late night trains pulling in.  When my friend Chris gets too drunk he starts mumbling in Japanese.  

It’s now 4:36, I only got two and a half hours of sleep last night and worked all day.  Instead of taking a nap, I’m going to go hike up a mountain because I’ve still got energy to burn

warm vials of blood

There is something incredibly surreal about transporting little vials of blood and cups of warm pee from the busy E.R. down to the lab.  Sundays are fairly quiet at the hospital and the hallways are spooky quiet and cold.  There seems to be no life around except the warm containers I hold in the Biohazard bag in my hand.

pizza

Last night was a long one filled with whiskey fueled bike riding.  This afternoon I’m feeling quite fragile and weak.  I’m sharing my bed with a box of pizza now, a few hours ago I was sharing it with a man.  He had a dark tan line at the top of his bum; proof that he worked outdoors without a shirt on.  His eyes were tired looking.  I’m curled up on the dirty, damp sheets unable to get comfortable.  I hadn’t eaten in over 24 hours and thought I’d devour the whole pie.  But I was only able to eat one piece.  I’m hungry and it’s for something much more than pizza.  I’m hungry for something other than food.  Something other than sex.

not so glamorous

The last thing I did before I left work today was help to tie restraints on a combative 90 year old man.  Before that, I listened to an older woman babble nonsense like I’ve never heard before.  She had absolutely no idea where she was or what was going on and she seemed afraid.  Another older woman was unable to move about on her own and infected with MRSA.  We had to don yellow precaution gowns and gloves before we entered the room to use a lift to move her from bed to chair.  While suspended in air poop, lots of it oozed from her bottom.  It dripped and plopped all over the bed.  Once we got her clean, it happened again.  Another man was dying and unable to control his bladder.  I changed his gown and bed sheets 3 times in one hour.  

I wonder if any of this has been fuel for my self-destructive ways lately.  Do I consciously make poor choices when I know better because I don’t want to end up like these people.  Because I want to die before things ever get that bad, before I’m helpless.

lightning storm

We stood in the rain, in the middle of the road watching the storm.  Drenched to the bone, we stood sopping wet, watching gigantic bolts of lightning illuminate the sky.  Rain was pouring off my nose and my hair, it was soaking his cigarette.  The storm was about as epic as my feelings or maybe the electric air caused my feelings.  Either way, if at that moment I were to get struck, it would have been a good way to go.

bump into you, ‘accidentally ‘

Sitting in my apartment wearing only underwear and drinking hot coffee with the fan blasting on me.  It’s already the evening but I feel like my day is just starting.  I got home at 10:30 this morning and was amused by the trail of perogies throughout the place.  These half thawed doughy little blobs were on floor, 3 of them on a plate, and on countertops.  It was as if they escaped during the night.   I opened my freezer to feel the cold air and it looked like a wild animal had been trapped inside.  Packages were clawed open and their contents strewn about.  Evidence that my dear friend had awoken and was hungry.  At the bar, she spilled her entire glass of gin and tonic on my lap and after sort of molesting a guy she got booted out.  I walked her to my place to put her to bed.  She insisted on sleeping on the floor and ripped her skirt off.  As I headed back out into the lively streets of Brattleboro solo, I giggled at the thought of her waking up in a strange apartment, bare bottomed on my dirty floor.  I decided to write a note on a post-it and stuck it to her chest before I left.

Outside on the steamy streets, I reconnected with my partner in crime.  This time we exchanged phone numbers.  Word were said that I hoped would be said.  I think I’m starting to feel (gasp..) a bit gooshy for him.  I’ve gotten quite good at casual encounters and separating sex from love and all that, but maybe, just maybe something is getting through the flaming barbed wire protective fence I keep around myself.

I’m sort of confused right now, I wonder why I’m thinking about him so much.  It scares me a little.  He’s still virtually a stranger with unpacked boxes.  He’s got a spark though, something indescribable that I’m drawn towards.   

This morning I noticed he had blue eyes when he whispered in my ear “for a couple of drunks were not doing so bad”.  We giggled and I felt safe.  Then I slipped away while he continued to sleep.

snap flash snap remember

I listened to a story on public radio a while back about memory.  The researcher said that as humans we are evolving (devolving?) to be unable to remember details like we used to.  With phone numbers stored in our cell phones, and GPS guiding the way, along with many other modern day luxuries we are apparently losing our ‘memory muscle’.  So, this fellow I was listening to went around with a tiny camera strapped to his forehead.  This camera randomly snapped a photo per minute.  At the end of the day he would play through all of them real fast like and this exercise is supposed to help your brain process and remember the day.  I think this is fascinating and would like to get a tiny camera to strap to my head!

 If I had one on this week the following would be the instant replay: dirty dishes gathering dust, pretty lacy dresses over bruised & scraped knees, friends’ couch, cracked windshield, wood, lumber, electric sander, empty refrigerator, Polish men wearing gold chains by the pool, bathroom ceiling, neighbors inflatable above ground pool w/ green water, guy singing on an unstage, a cute smile, sunset out my bedroom window, other peoples pee, latex gloves, bike (is it his?), the concerned worried looks on parents faces when they see their daughter in the E.R., the anesthesiologist w/ a blue mask flirting with me, the nurses in bad printed scrubs being mean to me, the pavement, piles of clothes on the floor, faces from Sterling College that I haven’t seen in 10 years, NCLEX study questions  a) b) c) or d), the blue glow of this damn computer…

E.R.

Okay, Monday.  New week, new job, time to lay off the booze and return to some sort of normal life.  Walking to the hospital this morning I was a little nervous and extremely excited.  I was scheduled to work in my favorite department!

Within 15 minutes of me arriving, shit hits the fan.  We went from 2 patients to a full house and plenty of people in the waiting room.  The scratchy sound of EMT’s giving reports over the radio, the sirens, cops and security guards, nurses and doctors running around.  A motor vehicle accident brought in two victims; man with bloody mangled hand and combative girl with a collapsed lung.  To my absolute delight I got to assist with the insertion of a chest tube on the girl.  I held her still while the Dr. cut deep into her skin and shoved a long tube right into her lung to relieve the pressure.  While this was going on a man was having a heart attack in the room next door.  A man was brought in by ambulance in restraints accompanied by the cops.  He was screaming loud crazy words and it was making some of the other patients cry.  ”When did John Denver die?” followed by “I’m god and I’ll prove it!” and my favorite was a pretty good rendition of “Country Road Take me Home”.

We had sick patients just get up and wander out of the hospital, we had to chase them back in.  I did a lot of coaxing people to please not rip out there IV’s and to please sit down.  Then of course we had your regular old bouts of throwing up, foreign bodies in eyes, chest pain, and hurt knees full of blood that we aspirated out.

It’s amazing to have all of that craziness contained in one place.  To be on the side of control.

Sunday

I woke up this morning in my rumpled party dress at my best friends house.  We were perplexed by the corn husks that were strewn about the apartment.  There was no corn, just shreds of green husks and silk all over the floor.  No idea where it came from.  We’d gone to a wedding yesterday and there was an open bar that I thouroughly abused.  I must have passed out while the sun was still up, the night before was a fun one that started out late and I think I heard the birds chirping as I fell asleep.  I’m amazed by my warrior friend that magically appears in distant towns.  

I dragged my sorry ass up to my brothers land to help build his house.  All I wanted to do was sleep, but I told him I’d be there and I hate not doing things because I’m hungover.  At first I thought I might pass out or die because I hadn’t eaten anything and was feeling quite shakey.  I felt dizzy climbing up the ladders while hauling lumber and pounding in the braces with the sledge hammer.  Wearing a mask, ear plugs and sun glasses I felt sealed off from the world.  

In the afternoon I ended up swimming with my crazy Polish friends.  Zack was trying to get me to marry his friend; a very cute and shy man with limited English and new to the States.  Zack took on a father-like attitude towards me, he was very insistent and annoyed with the fact that I’m 30 and am not married.

This past week has been a very satisfying one and I have much more to express, but not right now, the words aren’t really coming to me.

ionic bond

Well after midnight I hopped on the back of bicycle of a near stranger.  Laughing, we rode double through the empty town.  The storm we’d had earlier lacquered the streets shiny and left charged electrons clinging to the thick air.  These tiny pieces of chemistry were zipping about looking for a molecule to attach to, just temporarily.  A momentary cling to become stable.  The damp porch felt good on my bare skin and I fell asleep on his chest with my hair still wet from the warm shower.  The morning light seemed unfair and we parted without exchanging numbers.